Ep. 003: LDR-ing at uni
Something that I get asked a lot, and something that many people worry about before uni is having a healthy long distance relationship. Me and my boyfriend have been together now for two and a half years. We braved both a pandemic and starting uni together. I won’t pretend that LDRing is easy. There will be days when you feel miserable without your partner, where you doubt your relationship or your trust in each other. We had to have a very long conversation before we both started uni about our future together, and what we both expected from uni life.
Before meeting my boyfriend, I was adamant I would be going to university single. In fact, within the first few weeks of our relationship, I told him it would have to end before we started uni! (He’s forgiven me.)
I wanted the “full uni experience”: going out, having fun, not having to worry about a boyfriend. Now I couldn’t imagine life without him (aw.)
For us, a couple of things have made the whole experience so much better. In fact, I’m grateful and proud that we’ve got to experience LDRing for the majority of our time together. I think it’s made us far more independent, communicative, trustworthy and loving towards each other. If you and your partner are going to commit to LDRing, here are some guidelines we both came up with that have helped us the most…
Communication:
Obviously, communication is a must. Without it, you will lose trust in each other, and like any relationship you will grow apart! Just talking at the end of a day, a couple of minutes of complete quality time are so so important. I wouldn’t recommend having a strict time, as some evenings you might have commitments, just make sure there’s daily contact (but don’t beat yourself up or feel angry towards your partner if they’re busy/stressed/not in the mood to talk… just be kind and understanding, and talk about it at a later time).
Take an interest in each other’s lives. This will make you realise how powerful relationships are, where two people with individual lives, experiences, needs, and goals come together. Also experiencing a different life as well as your own will reduce stress and anxiety.
Consideration
i. Be considerate towards your partner’s needs whilst also catering for your own. It might seem obvious, but you’re at university for a reason. Ensure that you have the right balance between your work life and your social life. Push yourself to work hard and push yourself to join societies and sports, but also remember not to be too hard on yourself. ii. Accept your differences. For me, I prefer going out and partying more than my boyfriend, but because he is considerate towards my interests and we trust each other, he encourages me to enjoy myself with my friends (and doesn’t tell me what I should be wearing either- TAKE NOTE) Giving each other that space to enjoy yourselves with your uni friends without jealousy or anxiety is important. Consider your own mental health. You can’t love others properly until you learn to love yourself.
Compassion:
i. Compassion is soo important when in an LDR. We all have fundamental needs that are individual to us and need to be kept in order to function to the best of our abilities. Discuss with your partner what you can both do to reduce any anxiety or worries you may have. If your partner is uncomfortable about something or feels your relationship is lacking in something, be open and understanding towards their feelings instead of shutting them down. ii. You won’t always feel 100% and for many it will be a learning curve in understanding if your partner is mad at you or just feeling under the weather. Care for each other and understand that we all have our off days, it doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love you or that the relationship should end due to one bad day.
A relationship is something you work on, like a muscle, or a habit (see article on consistency). You have to put the effort in to communicate with one another, discussing your feelings, thoughts, and experiences; learn to be considerate of your partner’s needs without neglecting your own; learn to be compassionate, to understand, to know there will be rough days, but they will eventually merge into happier days. Long-distance isn’t always forever, and you can both grow as individuals which will strengthen your relationship in the long-term.
